sunday song: happy new year

Happiest of New Years to each and every one of you!

For one who desires to be ahead of the game, I always found myself feeling behind as soon as January 1st rolled around.  It felt as if everyone already had Christmas packed up and put away with a house simplified and cleaned out and resolutions written, posted, and beginning to be checked off.  The rushed feeling within was quite unwelcomed after a season of nothing but.  

A couple years ago I made a conscience decision to slow down.  To take each step not quite as quickly as I would have before and give myself, and my mind, time to be quiet, to listen before I began to plan, to speak, to act.  What resulted was the ability to have an unhurried Spirit even if life around continued to bustle at it's usual pace and there is no time that it is more appreciated than this day, the beginning of a new year.

Here I sit, still reflecting, smiling over and enjoying the memories of a December spent with family and friends celebrating the birth of our Savior, not feeling as if that is a time done and gone but one to relish and let settle before moving on.

Yes, sometime in the next few days there will be cleaning and organizing, planning and budgeting, and pondering of goals and desires for the year to come but for now there is quiet and thanksgiving that an old year has passed and a new one has come and spanning them both is my God guiding my vision for both.

Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;

naught be all else to me, save that thou art -

thou my best thought, by day or by night;

waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.

Be thou my wisdom, and thou my true word;

I ever with thee and thou with me, Lord.

Thou my great Father; thine own may I be,

thou in me dwelling and I one with thee.

Riches I heed not, nor vain, empty praise;

thou mine inheritance, now and always;

thou and thou only first in my heart,

high King of heaven, my treasure thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won,

may I reach heaven’s joys, O bright heaven’s sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

the invisible list: a post for (in)courage

Yesterday a post went live on a blog called (In)courage where stories are shared of what Jesus looks like in the every day, gloriously ordinary, and often messy lives.  When the opportunity came up in December to submit an original post to be considered I held my breath and typed on.  I was contacted at the beginning of the year that I had been selected and my "go live" date was March 22nd.  I could go on and on about the numerous answers to prayer this one situation brought and maybe I will, in another post to be shared, but for now here is that post, The Invisible List.

My days are lived by lists. Notebook after notebook are filled with them. A green one is full of plans for making our new house the home I long to share, a pink polka dot notebook contains life’s daily tasks so that lessons aren’t missed and menus are planned.

On the less tasky, more crucial side, are the life giving lists. A floral notebook holds thankgivings, a thousand-plus gifts, while a yellow moleskin is full of quotes and verses that changed my heart in profound ways, along with a long list of verses telling me that I am God’s and the gifts that come from being His child.

The most important list, however, has never been put in black and white. It’s a list my heart has been writing on its own. One that is written through whispers of the Spirit, deep longings to be placed in priority, spelling out the desires of my heart when it comes to what I desire to attain, not in the world but in the Kingdom. The first on the list, wisdom.

I started my early twenties as a college graduate with my first job in a new state with my new husband in a new home with no new friends. By God’s infinite grace and mercy we found a church on our first Sunday’s search after our honeymoon. Shortly after, I was attending a women’s group on Wednesday nights and was blessed to sit in a room with women, the youngest being ten years my senior, surrounded by wisdom.

As a girl at the beginning point of a different level of life, I voraciously soaked up the words and experiences of others.

The stories of trials and joy brought me to tears countless times and gave me hours of belly laughter, but it also stirred within me the desire to be them. To be a Titus woman who shares the good, the bad, and the ugly in order to encourage and teach. To be a prayer warrior who is, figuratively and literally, on her knees for the cause of others. To be someone with wisdom, the wisdom that comes from knowledge being lived out. The list within had begun, the ability to accomplish it, however, is a lesson I’m still learning.

Eleven years later I’m a mom of three and a wife of over a decade and — praise Jesus! — a person with the love of friends. I find myself in a role I used to look up to, wondering how did I get here and what right do I have to try to fill it? In my head I’m a walking contradiction who relates more than a little to Paul’s vent in Romans about not doing what I want to do and doing what I don’t want to do. A problem, I would guess, is familiar to more than just me.

Each day contains moment after moment where we choose to follow our flesh or our Spirit as they war within us, sometimes more fiercely than others, battling to prevail. I could say the odds are ever in my favor to follow the one of Truth, but no one would believe it, because disbelieve it they should.

But always in the midst of despair, no matter if daily bumps or life altering disasters, there is Hope.

Our battle is won and each of these seeming failures are really just moments that bring sanctification, molding me to be more like the Savior who already fought and found victory. Every step on every path God has designed is another piece of wisdom placed in my heart, another experience I can share with others, another beam of light that the gospel can shine when I use the all He gave me for Him.

In Him is that hidden treasure of wisdom and knowledge {Colossians 2:3, ESV} and from the first time my heart began its silent list of longings to the day I depart to worship at His feet, those hidden treasures will constantly be unearthed and the wisdom my Savior has will be made clearer and clearer. And I pray I will not just hold it dear, but hand it to others along the way.

And onward we went

It's impossible to celebrate the end of the year without thinking about all the year has held.  While at a friend's house for dinner I was glancing through their end of year picture book and could not believe some of the events that had taken place in this calendar year.  Besides the fact that this time last year I was scarcely even on the official friend list with this sweet woman, we had made it into their family memory book because of the friendship that has bloomed between our boys and now our families in such a short time.  Close behind that sentimental thought was the shocking question of "Was Connor really in Kindergarten just a few short months ago?" after seeing a picture of the two boys at their 'graduation' program.  Oh time and it's ever present annoying tendency to creep and fly simultaneously.

  When I chose the word "onward" as my focus for 2015 I had no clue how far God would take it.  I knew that "Onward doesn't mean quickly.  It doesn't mean crossing the finish line first or even finding the finish line anytime soon.  It means not quitting and not giving up, whether sprinting or struggling for every step, there is no halt there is only moving forward" and it didn't cease to be true throughout the year.  However, like all things, nothing ever happens how you expect or plan and at the time I didn't expect to have as many things end as I did begin.  In hindsight it makes perfect sense, more often than not you have to give up one thing for another, say goodbye before you can say hello, close a door before opening a window.   

This year we found a new home we love in a neighborhood we love, built many new friendships, and strengthened many old ones.  A new occupational journey was placed in my heart as well as the desire to begin the process to adopt from the Foster care system, which I will be sharing about soon.  We went to Romania for the second time and were even able to share that experience with my younger brother.  We grew, each of us, in ways I still don't notice and have focused as a family to be more kind, helpful and thankful in all aspects of our lives.

 There were just as many downs as ups, our current church situation being the hardest of all, but I continue to see God's hand in absolutely everything and that alone is pretty awesome.  On top of that I realized/was devinely reminded that the balance scale of life at this moment is heavily tipped towards  the peaceful, smooth and exciting instead of the hard, emotional and unsure like it was just a couple short years ago.  Almost all of which can be contributed to the outlook that comes from a more trusting heart grown through experience and wisdom therefore definitely worth mentioning and giving glory to God about.

Moving onward was equal parts healing and rejuvenating and a to-do that I am surprisingly not sad about never being able to permanently check off my list.

forever will be

This morning at church was our annual Thanksgiving Day service.  Every year on the Sunday before Thanksgiving instead of having our traditional service we set up tables, sit with our church family, sing and share whatever is on your heart that you are thankful remembering that biblical thanksgiving is not based on our circumstances, the material possessions in our lives, or even the people as wonderful as they may be.  Thanksgiving is being grateful for the work of Christ in your life giving glory to God for what He has done, what He is doing and what He will do in our lives and through our lives.

Because the last few years God has redirected my life in many ways, I always want to share something.  Not because I am overflowing with huge amazing things happening, but because I am overflowing with grace upon grace in the midst of my sinful heart that is being renewed day by day.  To my own eyes, the most noticeable difference in me is the desire to share, to not keep anything inside, to be transparent whether with the good or the bad to hopefully encourage another and to maybe set an example, even if that example is what NOT to do!  I am learning (most times happily) to be the guinea pig of new situations so that others might can step forward without as much fear to the newness of change.  If you know anything about me you know that is proof of divine intervention and the sanctification process.  New and Change are not words usually associated with Sarah May!

As I attempted to share what I wanted to share I realized another reason, possibly the main reason, I love to write.  When writing (or typing in this case) crying does not mess up your train of thought or your voice or the color of your face.  No matter how hard I concentrate, use breathing tactics or prepare to speak in front of people about anything involving any kind of emotion, tears inevitably follow.  It is so insanely frustrating.  My pastor tends to love it because it conveys real feeling and emotion, but I on the other hand would love to convey a feeling, opinion, or experience without having to stop, shake, and cut myself short for fear that none of my words will be heard because everyone is just staring at the hot mess unfolding.  Sigh.  

So for my own heart, and hopefully at least encouragement for one, I am going to share (tear free!!) what God placed on my heart for this morning.  The words definitely did not come out this smoothly or entirely phrased this way.  Maybe in a perfect world but our world is far from perfect as am I.   Why it was this story over any other I don't know except to say that most times God speaks to your heart when you're being brat, not when you're being the best.

A few weeks ago I had a mini break down.  Nothing huge and important, just one of those normal I'm a girl and sometimes the only thing you can do is cry because its the most helpful tool at your disposal.  Sorry for any females that this offends, if you do not have those girlish moments I am most jealous of your ability to hold yourself together.  I was not given that skill and have given my children the same non ability!  I don't remember what exactly triggered the reaction.  My list of pressure points is long these days though compared to a year ago it's impressively short.  

I was sitting in my car in the driveway on the phone with Zach not ugly crying per say but with definite tears streaming.  Its in these moments that it is most helpful, when you are talking to someone who you trust and who loves you, to blurt out that one thing that you don't want to say out loud.  The thing I most wanted to say,  that I was most angry and frustrated about, was that literally NOTHING has been consistent in my life the last six years except for God, not my home, my family, my marriage, my children, my church, NOTHING!  Surely there are people in the world who have something else that is just there for them to lean on!?  

The worst part was that I wasn't content with just God.  I had blurted out the basic principal of the Gospel, the amazing grace given by an all knowing, all presence, all powerful Creator and Father who never leaves, is always there and fulfills every promise.  It wasn't enough for me that day.  That day I wanted tangible, I wanted something I could go to that was right in front of me, I wanted something that I should only be going to God for anyway.  

Praise Him that I only acted like a brat for a short period.  It didn't take much repeating of that phrase to myself, confessing to my Friday morning girls, and reminders of divine provision from Zach, for me to instead be saying nothing in life will ever be consistent except for God and the gift of His Son and Spirit.  Nothing will ever live up to who He is and what He does.  Nothing can fulfill for me the promises given.  Thank you that I don't have to count on another sinful being to be consistency for me.  Instead we can be inconsistent together while clinging to Hope together.  

We have lost a lot in the last few years but we have gained even more.  And while they can't and shouldn't have to carry the weight and perform the tasks of my Heavenly Father, I have had many beautifully, "inconsistent" people walking alongside me of which I am most undeserving.

So the next time you have the desire just to cry, let the tears fall, and the next time you don't want to say that terrible sentence that is at the tip of your tongue, say it out loud, then listen to the words and let them turn your heart towards God reminding you of who He is and what you are because you're His.  It's all Him.  Praise God.

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

things i learned in october

This is my first time participating in things I learned in October or any other month for that matter.  Sharing things you've learned at the end of the month is an exercise emily freeman began and opened up to the world.  I'm sure she had plenty of reasons within her own mind for this need but for me it's for one simple reason, to just remember.

 Writing things down is pretty much my favorite.  Partly because I love memories, sharing them, showing them, and storing them away but to be honest it's mainly because I forget things.  Often.  If it's not written down somewhere I might forget it happened.  Seriously.  I'd love to have a mind palace like my beloved Sherlock and only need a quiet room to recollect all the significant and insignificant details of life but alas that is not the case.  My journals, to do lists, notebooks, keep app are my mind palace and written in them are the things I need to remember and the things I want to remember.

While hiking with Zach's parents and the boys over fall break I learned to do something I've always wanted to learn.  In honor of that one new skill I vowed to join the group of October learners.  Here we go...

1)  I learned how to whistle with a piece of grass!  I read about this in books, young boys letting out piercing whistles in the midst of a field but I've never been able to or maybe never tried.  Either way, Zach taught me on our hike and I did it on the first try and then just to make sure it wasn't beginners luck I tried it again, and again and again.  I'm officially a grass whistler.

2)  Crepe Myrtles can have GORGEOUS fall color.  We are experiencing our first fall on Wesley St. and there are 6 or 7 crepe myrtles like the side of our yard.  The oranges and reds in their leaves stopped me in my tracks one day.  SO pretty!

3)  Ichabod Crane was not a great guy.  The only experience I have with Sleepy Hollow is the disney cartoon narrated by Bing Crosby so I am not expert on the story.  I always thought I remembered Ichabod being this nice guy who got picked on because he was a little different and happened to fall in love with a girl that a local fella was also into.  Rewatching the movie with the boys last weekend, I noticed that Ichabod pretty much just used women for food and fell for Katrina because her daddy was loaded.

4)  Seasoned words.  I loved the explanation She Reads Truth had for seasoned words.  Instead of the "I cooked them really well so they taste good" kind of words that I had always tried to give, it's about your words making others thirsty for the same thing.  They explained like this..."Salt causes thirst.  GOd's Word doesn't need our PR efforts.  Its mere mention causes sin to salivate for grace.  Our job is not to concoct our own savory presentation of the gospel; every ingredient was chosen to feed our own innate hunger.  Instead, our task is to speak words from our personal thirst, pointing to the source of Living Water."  Don't you just love that!!

5)  Physical comedy makes Logan belly laugh more than anything else I've ever seen.  On the flip side,  Micah is an excellent physical comedian.

6)  There's a new Mitford book!!  I found out the exact same way I found out about the last one,  Lifeway Catalog.  Oh how I love this series and wish I could live next door to Father Tim and Cynthia.

7)  Dr. Pepper mini cans are the perfect size for a DP addict who is trying to reform her ways.  They are just big enough to give me the flavor I long for but not so big that I feel like fat slob when I'm finished.  It would be much better if I could buy them individually though.  As of right now the pack I bought are hidden on the top shelf of the pantry but I know they are up.  Will power is not my greatest strength!

following the road

It's easy to take things for granted.  I find quite often that I can go through a whole day assuming all the things will just be there, without really noticing, without any thanks. Whether it's the water that comes pouring out every time I turn on the faucet, the friend I text a random thought to, or the little boy shoes that will inevitably be on any and every floor of my home.  That's life, and life is supposed to just be there...or so we would like.  It doesn't matter how many times God teaches me that there is no normal and it is not to be the goal I pursue, my fleshy heart migrates back to that comfort of predictability, and I strive to get my joy from the snugness of "same".  

This can work for quite some time until your schedule goes off kilter and your day doesn't run as it should, or a natural disaster knocks out all those lovely first world amenities and luxuries don't happen with a flick of the wrist, or that friend who actually enjoys your randomness is no longer just a quick send button away.  It's in these moments where you quickly (or in some times in my slow learner case not so quickly), see that you have been placing something or someone in your chief spot to assure you are "OK."  

One such thing that I have assumed would always be there is my church.  When finding out the possibility of an unsure future a couple weeks ago, due to financial difficulties and the discouraged patrons that accompany that, my stomach tied in knots, tears streamed down my cheeks and fear crept into my soul.  The scariest thing was the fear, and not just because fear and scary are synonyms, but because fear is not from God.  This was the moment I realized that I was dangerously close, or more truthfully already letting my place of worship fall in line in front of Who I was worshiping. 

Many years ago as a young 20 something newlywed, I would sit on Wednesday nights surrounded by women much more experienced at life than me, and listen to the wisdom that came from years of walking with God through parenting, marriage, friendships and all the ups and downs that come with them.  Many, many lessons came from these conversations, but one that has stuck out with me the most is one from a much wiser woman than me who also struggled with fear.  I vividly remember her explaining that every time she was haunted with a worst case scenario fear, she would mentally travel that road to the very end no matter how difficult, and see what it would be like if she reached the end.  At the end of the road, no matter what it may be, she would always see God, unchanged in His goodness and sovereignty, standing there as He always has and always will.  

Through tears I mentally walked down the road of losing this precious community of believers that God led us to on our second week of marriage.  The first and last church we visited eleven years ago.  The church that all three of my boys have been born into.  The church I have served along side while feeding and housing the homeless, packing thousands of Operation Christmas Child boxes, encouraging high school students through YoungLife, filling bottle after bottle with change for Refuge Pregnancy Center, doing backyard bible clubs, feasting with at Thanksgiving, bearing each other's burdens through the birth and loss of children, loss of parents and grandparents, marital struggles, walking the hills of Romania to love on widows, orphans, and fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, and loving the lost and other community outreach.  Inevitably, like she said I would, at the end of the road I saw my Creator, and all His omnipotent glory, waiting for me and telling me that even if it comes to that, even if the location in which I worship changes, the direction of my worship will not.  God is still God and God is still good and He holds all His children in the palm of His hand.   

While the man-made vision of this church community has not yet been fully realized, God has used it for His purpose as a somewhat halfway house for believers who needed a refuge in the storm of life, healing from the inevitable sins of the fallen, and then encouragement to go out again, out into the world to love and be loved.  For me, I have grown spiritually and been shepherded in lengths I could not have imagined, and even if I was only one, we are told one is enough. But the list of others keeps going and going.

Mistakes are always made, and someone can always get hurt, because in truth there is no perfect church and there never will be. As Rich Mullins said, "...nobody goes to church because they're perfect.  If you've got it all together, you don't need to go.  You can go jogging with all the other perfect people on Sunday morning.  Every time you go to church, you're confessing again to yourself, to your family, to the people you pass on the way there, to the people who will greet you there, that you don't have it all together.  And that you need their support.  You need their direction.  You need some accountability, you need some help."

Do I long to see this community of believers grow and continue to reach out and touch others in the earthly community?  Absolutely.  Do I believe that my God is able to renew, to restore, to regrow?  Beyond a shadow of a doubt.  But even if He doesn't I will praise Him, knowing it wasn't all for naught.  Knowing His hand has always and will always be upon each one of us, as we seek His Kingdom first and follow His will in our lives. To quote the famous Christian sojourner once more, "Christianity is not about building an absolutely secure little niche in the world...Christianity is about learning to love like Jesus loved..." wherever that may be. 

tears of may

May has been a whopper.  It always is, for everyone it seems.  You wait through the dreariness of winter, or mildness of Georgia winters, ready for flowers and sunshine, spring winds and peaceful days outside and then May comes with all its beauty.  You think yes this is what I've been waiting for now let me sit and enjoy because, much like childbirth you have forgotten all the not so wonderfuls.

The month of May never fails to produce a calendar so full it has me actually loving that I no longer carry around my cute planner with my pens for color coordinating schedules.  Praise the Lord for Google calendar and it's infinite space availability in those boxes.  Yes please add another + to show the 18 other things I have on the same day.

May marks the end of everything.  It's like a program spring cleaning to get out all the stuff before the lazy days of summer.  For anyone with school aged children and/or children who do extracurricular activities, May is full of field days, field trips, award ceremonies, graduations,  baseball games, soccer games, piano recitals,  dance recitals, end of year parties, appreciating teachers, and the list can keep going.   Add in mother's day and memorial day and the calendar is getting a bit heavy. 

Our May always includes our middle man's birthday, but also this year we added fundraising/getting ready for a mission tripto Romania, the wedding of my youngest brother in law (Zach's youngest brother) who is the 6th and final sibling to get married, as well as our moving to a new home and all the preparations that come with it.  There's LOTS of preparations.  In fact our May this year has been so insanely busy that I can barely remember what we've done because as one thing goes zooming past another is not just quickly approaching but has already parked up front.

There has been so much to do that I think I could stay awake 24 hours straight without sitting down for weeks on end and not make a dent.  But in this short season,  PLEASE Lord let it be a short season,  God has given me the wonderful gift of being able to just let things go. 

I have been known to be a person who attempts to do "all the things" but as more and more piles upon my plate, my heart grows more and more content with the fact that not only can I not do it all, but I'm not supposed to be able to.  This is not so much a new lesson,  but a new area of life the lesson is seeping into which is just another thing to be thankful for. 

God and his gracious self has taken one sinful part of my heart, the sin of self righteousness made known to me over a year and a half ago, and has slowly shown me not just how it had overtaken so many facets of life but how in each facet He radically changes it to a complete trust and reliance on Him.  Our spiritual lives affect every part of us, and I am thankful to welcome Him in all of me,  especially in the places I would never remember on my own!

I have succumbed to tears many times this past month but honestly and so thankfully, not in the way I once would have.   My tears have, so far, come from immense and overwhelmingly feelings of thankfulness.  Thankfulness for the steps along our path of moving onward to what God has in our future while enjoying and noticing the wonderful things of the present.   It's not all May flowers and birds singing,  there are plenty of storms and rocky paths, more so it seems but there is an ever faithful God planning the way and an ever present Spirit bringing joy and peace.

fingernails

My fingernails are shot.  They are pitifully short, peeling and stained.  It only takes one glance down at my hands to make me remember what work they have been doing.  In the last three months they have cleaned, painted, stained, sanded, sealed, picked up and carried.  It only takes one glance to make me realize how easily your brain and therefore how you carry about your life can be overcome with one thing.

Our mission team is hosting a craft market and I get to be a vendor.  As silly as it may sound to some, this is very close to a dream coming true.  In my mind I have always wanted to create for not just myself but for others as well.  I love crafting.  I love making the mundane beautiful.  I love seeing something different in an item and figuring out how to make it useful.  When the bible says that all things reveal the character of God I firmly believe the things we create, no matter in what way, show us Him.  I believe it so much so that I wrote about the craftiness of God.

In the past year and a half God has revealed many things to me about myself.  Things that give me comfort and smiles and things that hit me hard and reduced me to tears, but all things that were welcomed (eventually) and needed.  I feel like I am finally beginning to know myself well, so well that I even anticipated the happening of being too wrapped up into things and asked several people to pray for me about it and keep me accountable.  I can very much see how gracious God has been in answering their prayers because I have felt quite free of stress overall and more excited than obsessed.  Big Success!

  If you talk to Zach he might have viewed things different but at least he without a doubt can agree that I could, and in the past have been, much worse.  Of course no matter how hard you try it is impossible keep your life free of idols and distractions.  Even ones as cute as chalkboards and welcome signs.  But I am truly thankful that God is faithful in all things, in HUGE earth shattering difficulties of the past and small, fun, inconsequential, to some, things of the present.

The sale is this weekend and I am so ready.  I'm ready to share my heart for creating with others.  I'm ready to see the art others have created to the glory of God.  I'm ready to see if anyone wants my stuff.  I'm ready to, hopefully, earn a lot towards my trip to see the people of Romania again this summer.  And I'm ready for it to be finished so that I can get back to my life where my evenings and afternoons are completely devoted to my family and the building of our home together and writing about the day to day of our lives instead of the destruction of my fingernails.

an inner disposition

Last October I began a new writing venture.  Occasionally I have shared more here than just the three blond boys I hang out with all the time, but my heart, mind and soul wanted more and more to share what it was learning and thinking more frequently, in a more organized way and a little more officially than the numerous notebooks piled in the basket next to my comfy brown chair. However, I wasn't quite ready to share it with all the world, and by all the world I mean the few people who get entertainment ever so often from pictures of those said blond boys. So it's been sitting there viewed by a few "strangers" and some other sets of very wonderful and loving eyes, but mostly just out there in a space that wasn't just in my head but wasn't quite real either.

So I'm here to tell you it exists and if you want to read or follow or think about reading or following I'd love for you to.  If you want to not do any of those things that's totally fine too.  God has been showing me the importance and blessing of being completely transparent, because if you can see through me then hopefully that means you can see Christ in me.  So here I am, transparent, saying that He's done so much, and with my weak words I want to share with whoever will read as much as I can about what He has done.

An Inner Disposition

moving onward into goals

Of all the things that were on my goal list for 2014 there were many that didn't get completed or even started but of everything, the things I am most happy about are how much reading I was able to do (25 books in one year and I loved 90% of them) and how much my relationships changed and grew.  My relationship with the Lord, with my husband, my children and my friends (and some new friends) have grown tremendously and that far outweighs any and every unaccomplished goal.

As for this year, I pray to be honest with myself about what is unnecessary and build margin into my life.  Resting, waiting and being able to say no instead of always doing and saying yes out of guilt or expectation.  Pressing onward and making steps to our desired future and the future God has ready for us.

Spiritual

           *  continued daily prayer time and journaling.

                * Focus on stopping throughout the day to pray and praying with Zach at night.

            * devotion time with the boys

            *  make goals for Children’s Church and accomplish them

               *  at least one day of fasting

               *  set aside time for a spiritual retreat

               *  attend a women's conference of some kind

               *  1,000 gifts list

               *  continue with women’s group and sharing transparently

               *  invest in younger girls’ lives and find an older woman to invest in mine

Physical

            *  earlier bedtime

            *  eat healthier (more water, less Dr. P , sugar and carbs)

            *  Crossfit 3 days a week

               *  Try running 1 day a week

            *  be diligent with taking vitamins

           *  engage in more physical activity with the boys

               * 1 race/challenge or more

Financial

            *  reevaluate family budget and stick to it

            *  patient with spending $$ on wants

            *  pay off  student loans

            *  organize paper work with a filing system

               *  keep emergency cash in the house

               * set up allowance system for Micah and Connor

Professional/Home life

               * sell or continue renting little house

               * find a home to purchase and be patient in the remodeling/redecorating

            * reevaluate then keep up cleaning schedule and weekly goals list

               * work on scrapbooks

               * organize videos and pictures on computer

* begin making yearly photobooks

            * refurbish list

            *  try 3 new recipes per month

            *  read independently and discuss at least one book with Micah

            *  Reading and writing practice with Connor

               *  begin letters and numbers with Logan and start preschool

            *  limit time on facebook and other social media a.k.a PUT PHONE DOWN

         

Relational/Friends and Family

            *  one special date with Zach a month

               *  Sunday night at home dates

               *  one outing or date a month with M and C

               *  prayer about foster to adopt and go through training process

            *  at least monthly hangout with friends out or at home

            *  be in tune enough to reach out to the needs of others small or large

            *  being open in my requests for prayer and in my asking of friends and family for their prayer needs    

                   as well

           *   plan a fun weekend getaway with 1) a group of girl friends 2)mother and sisters on each side

word of the year

A new year always brings on new goals and new focuses.  I think this is my fifth year picking a specific word to let lead my focus in making those goals for all aspects of my life from my spiritual walk to how I decorate our house and all roles in between.  It's a great exercise for me and not just because I like thematic things all wrapped up in a package.  It's great because it requires thought and planning, quiet introspection, and something to build upon so that you aren't floundering in the midst of desires, needs and ideas with nothing to connect it all together.  

Zach and I were chatting in the car on the way back from my parents house when I shared with him my new word.  This year's word was easy to choose.  Almost as easy as last years which still remains my favorite that God has ever led me to!  I shared yesterday about my desire to take all the new wisdom and character that God guided, pushed and sometimes dragged me to throughout the year and have a do-over for 2014.  Do over the hard stuff with new thoughts and do over the great stuff with new appreciation and joy.  However at the end...

"A do-over is not possible, we don't get to go back and change what we screwed up and we only get to relive the past in our memories, but we can take all of the lessons, heartache and joys with us into the future which is where I'm taking mine and Lord willing there will be plenty more to add this time next year."

2014 was a rebuilding year of sorts.  A continuous path to get back to level ground and God was so faithful in that journey.  However in all aspects of my life I am ready to rise above that plane.  That is why my word this year is onward.  

on·ward

  adverb

1.                                                       in a continuing forward direction; ahead.

     
2.                    
3.                                                                          adjective

1. 
   
2.                                 going further rather than coming to an end or halt; moving forward.
3. 
   
4.    

I love the definition.  I love the thought of a continuous forward motion, of going further rather than coming to a halt.  So many word pictures immediately enter my mind from books, movies and personal experiences.  Onward doesn't mean quickly.  It doesn't mean crossing the finish line first or even finding the finish line anytime soon.  It means not quitting and not giving up, whether sprinting or struggling for every step, there is no halt there is only moving forward.

When making my goals for this year in the categories of spiritual, relational, professional, financial, and physical I am praying that God will open my eyes to ways my family needs to start striving toward in the future, not so much to get them completed this year but to start the process of onward focus in those areas to set up habits that will be a part of our lives and actions forever.  Things that will guide us in rising above our current level and stretching toward the life God continuously leads us to.

I'm very excited and somewhat nervous about what will come about, but I pray to continue to rest in that Hope of knowing that His promises are true, now and forever.  

Zach informed me not ten minutes ago that a very popular blogger chose a very similar word to mine for almost identical reasons.  Instead of feeling frustrated I am choosing to feel encouraged that so many people are needing and feeling the same thing.  But I promise these specific thoughts are all mine. 

farewell 2014

I spent the day yesterday starting the process of cleaning up Christmas.  I'm a little bit OCD and can not take any Christmassy things with me into the new year.  I can't mix my decor and holidays, so much so that I had to text a picture of a pillow to my crafty/decorating buddies to make sure the antler pillow I had on the chair wasn't too christmas to leave up for the winter!  I can't say goodbye and hello at the same time.  My brain would get even more pretzel like than it already is and who knows what the outcome would be. It might seem ridiculous and I realize a personal problem but will surprise almost no one who knows me.  This is one of those things I can blame on my mother.  It was hereditary.

There was just one problem, I wasn't ready.  As much as I usually love, and I mean LOVE, getting my house back in order after the bustle of the holiday seasons, this year I didn't want to let it go yet.  The season felt overly 'bustley' which caused a lack in those peace on earth restful moments which could have been the culprit.  There is also the fact that our three boys are at such fantastic ages right now at 7, 5 and 3 that I wanted to soak it in more.  I know it will only get better and more fun but I'll never get this one back and that one sentence spoken to me from a hundred different people over this past almost 8 years of mommying is screaming at me inside my head.  "It goes by fast"  Ugh it so does and at times it feels like sand slipping through my hands and I am struggling to hold on to it.

However after a bit of pondering and praying I think it's because I want a do over for 2014.  God has pushed me so far ahead emotionally, spiritually and relationally of where I was a year ago and, though the feelings of this time last year are still way more fresh in my mind and heart than I would prefer, I kind of want to relive this past year, not as it all actually happened, but all the experiences with the new found knowledge and feelings.

I want to go back and understand that one conversation a little bit better and a little faster.  I want to react differently to that when that one thing happened.  I want my friend to say that again so I can say this instead.  I don't want to miss that time that I chose that other thing instead.  I want to put that one thing back on the shelf because I really don't need it.

But then there are the things I would do over and over again.

I want to watch Connor in his first baseball game and see Micah hit his first inside the park home run.  I want to visit the zoo with Logan and watch him get excited over a rhinoceros.  I want to ponder life and talk about everything with Leslie over chips and salsa.  I want to Crossfit for the first time as I get to watch friends start their dream business.  I want to pray for Stephanie for over a year and stand in the kitchen on the phone when I finally hear she is pregnant with her first child.  I want to sit in Panera for hours and read one of the best marriage books I've ever read with some of the best friends I've ever had.  I want to vow my life to Zach over and over and get away with him on a romantic trip to Charleston.  I want to sit in a pool with Dara Lynn and talk and talk while kids squirt water guns around us and pretend kick boards are diving boards.  I want to lay on the couch and text Rebekah about the Duggars and know that having a couple states in between can actually grow a friendship instead of ruining it.  I want to meet those new people, I want to grow those new friendships and rekindle those others.  I want to be with my families and share things I've never been brave enough to say and grow in ways we never have.

  Apparently you're not supposed to "regret" things that happened.  I can't count the number of times I've heard someone say "I don't regret that because it made me who I am" and I don't necessarily disagree but then again I kind of do.  I think it's ok to regret as long as the synonym, repent, is used with it.  Hard stuff happens, stupid decisions are made and consequences come, opportunities are missed and sadness about those things occurs and yes it looks like regret but that regret can be turned straight into repentance and take us straight to the foot of the cross.  

A do-over is not possible, we don't get to go back and change what we screwed up and we only get to relive the past in our memories, but we can take all of the lessons, heartache and joys with us into the future which is where I'm taking mine and Lord willing there will be plenty more to add this time next year. 

view from the roof of my parents' house

back home

The day after mine and Logan's birthday Zach left to go to Denver for a training class.   He was gone for 6 nights and 5 days, not that I was counting, and checking them off and praying that the time would go by quickly.  

I'm always excited when he goes somewhere fun for work and I get to go with him but I am never excited when he goes somewhere for work and I am left alone.  Not that anyone is excited to have their husband traveling so I know this is a shared feeling.  When I am gone for a day or a girl's weekend or something He never fails to let me know how thankful he is for everything I do.  Being left alone with three boys that you have to clothe, feed, and keep track of and a house that you have to not let get too destroyed definitely brings out a thankful heart.

Same goes for me when he is gone.  The daily things aren't too big of a deal.  I get them ready for school everyday and pick them up and help with the homework and make the dinner and all that on a daily basis anyway.  It's after dinner when there's the clean up of kitchen and children, and then the reading of the stories before bed and the praying and the singing,when my heart deeply misses my other half. Don't get me wrong, I miss him during the day too but at least then I can just pretend he is still at work!  Added to the normal schedule there was also Connor's Thanksgiving program at school and a Thanksgiving Feast to be eaten twice in one day and doing it alone was just no fun.

Though I can be truly satisfied in the Lord alone, life is just more enjoyable with my baby by my side.  God said it was not good for man to be alone, I am only assuming it's not good for women either.  I love having my encourager, my sanity provider, my partner, my fellow parent, my escape if needed, my cuddler at the end of the day.  I prayed more for single mothers last week than I have in a long time.  My heart was opened up to them in a new and fresh way with a desire to figure out how to reach out in assistance or at the very least show the love and grace that is so needed during times of frustration and struggle.  Will you pray too?

 Zach has been gone for extended periods of time before but for some reason last week the thought of living life like that hit me more than it ever has.  Probably because I now know all to well how quick something like that could happen and how thankful I am that it didn't.

falling

The weather this week has been an incredible gift.  So cool and reviving with a breeze that makes you want to stop and take a deep breath and just be. 

 With cool weather comes the arduous task of what I like to call "the changing of the clothes."  It makes me feel like it's more of a thing of royalty instead of what it really is, which is lugging bins of handme down boy clothes from the shed and going through closets to see who is in what size now, and what needs to be taken out and what needs to be added, and so on and so forth, until there are piles of clothes around you that all need to be washed, folded and put away. 

But with the cooler weather and change in calendar also comes one of my favorite things, decorating.  Next to the big plastic tubs of clothing is another one full of all things fall.  Oh how I enjoyed unpacking the box of pumpkins, garlands, leaves, plates and wreaths full of greens, browns, creams and blues (no orange here) and fitting them in new places, gathering items from around the house and combining it all it a different way until it fell into place.  

And then like everything else about my life right now, my mind drifted to another time.

Last year Fall was more of a verb than a season.  Life was all about survival mode and concentrating strictly on the priorities of God and family, with a little time and energy left over for those close friends, but everything else getting almost forgotten.  

I know I'm not alone in this.  There are many times in life where your scope has to get smaller due to all manner of things, from the happy (and exhausting) like welcoming a newborn or a great job that moves you on a new adventure, to the hard, heartbreaking (and exhausting) like losing a loved one, family trials of numerous kinds, or God quite frankly just shaking things up in any part of your life to bring you to Him.

I am constantly reminded that life is not easy nor was it meant to be after sin entered the world.  It is definitely not a wide leisurely walk and it is not even a straight uphill climb.  It is not going to be normal!   There is a reason for the verses that remind us that this life is a fight, its a race, it's a narrow road that is hard much of the time.  AND why there are many more that tell us who to abide in, who to run to and who is more than capable, more than a conqueror

Not I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.  Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own.  But one thing I do:  forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 3:12-14

I have fought the good fight I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  2 Timothy 4:7

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.  

Hebrews 12:1-2

But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.  Acts 20:24

Enter by the narrow gate.  For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many.  For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.  Matthew 7:13-14

Have you not known?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.  He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.  Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

This fall I am feeling the season and we are filling it with all the things we missed out on last year, but taking with me a joy that only comes from knowing what has been done for me.

Deep Breath.