finding normal

A few mornings ago I was with some girl friends from church discussing and hammering out details for a morning bible study that we want to start at our church.  It was a nice morning of conversation and planning and watching our 5 children who were there (4 children were at school) come in and out to distract and talk and just be children.

On my way out, my friend Dara Lynn asked how it was going with just having Logan.  My response was "Good, but I feel like we haven't had a normal week yet."  She responded in kind with her trying to find a new normal for herself as well, since her oldest is in Pre K 5 days a week now.  Suddenly, it seemed to hit both of us at once. What is normal, anyway?

I personally have not been able to get that thought out of my mind since it happened, and I can only assume she thought about it briefly as well, since she happens to be one of the most thoughtful (as in full of thought, though she is also thoughtful) people I know.  

I have pondered and pondered the last few days about normalcy and why it's something we strive for so often.  We have only had 11 days of school so far this year which means 11 days of having to let go of two babies every morning instead of just one.  11 days of getting a proud smile from Connor as he steps out of the car. 11 days of just me and the Logi Bear and each day I have tried to find what our normal will be, and have yet to find one.  Looking back, I can see so much time focused on, and maybe even wasted on, finding this elusive thing. 

 Because, it has been 11 months since the bomb went off in my life causing an intense amount of relearning, refocusing, recommitting and restoring love, hope and faith and taking every day as it comes. It's been over 2 years since Micah started big school, and my mothering of him has had to change to include letting go of the control that was never really mine to begin with.   It's been almost 3 years since we added a third child to our family, and parenting changed from man to man to a zone defense, and an endless analysis of who needs you the most at any given time, because, let's face it, being everything for all of them simultaneously is a goal that will never come to fruition and will always make you feel like a failure because it will never be attained.  Ever.  It's been 10 years since I said I do to the man who my soul loves, and we moved to a new place, to new jobs, to new friends, to a new church in a new state.  And quite frankly, it's been almost 33 years since I entered this earth shaking up someone else's idea of normal life, and you know what?  In this whole time, there have never, ever been two days that are the same.  None of them have been normal in the way our hearts think they want.

In my experience and (take it for what it's worth) opinion, the normal we all think we are searching for includes a few things.  It is predictable, it doesn't catch us off guard, we know what to expect and when to expect it.  It's not harder than other days, it's easy because we know what to do and when to do it.  It doesn't stretch us too much, we are not asked for more of ourselves than we want to give either physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  When it ends, we look back with comfort that we finished our lists, cleaned up our messes, still have smiles on our faces and got to bed with few regrets.  I am learning that in my mind, normal just amounts to everything going the way I want, when I want it, and not taking too much away from me.  Basically, it was just another reminder that I am an incredibly selfish, sinful person.  While it was a needed reminder, the truth of it did not sit well.  My desire had left out the one thing I need most, the gospel.

Recently I met with my pastor, and discussed what I now know was this exact idea of wanting steadiness, and normalcy.  We talked about emotional see saws.  Very technical conversation. ;)  I thought my goal was to get off a see saw of emotion.  I thought I was supposed to be striving for a life of flat, without the intense peaks and valleys that come and go constantly sometimes with little or no warning.  It was an eye opening conversation that has taken me way too long to understand how it pertains to my quest for a normal life, since I am literally just understanding its complete meaning as I am writing this.  I know very little about the medical field but I do know that flat lining is pretty much the worst.  When that happens, buzzers go off and lots of highly trained people move around in a necessary flurry to do all things they've been trained to do to keep that from happening. 

 The peaks and valleys prove that there is life.  That you are alive.  The peaks and valleys are what normal really is.  No two days will be the same.  Ask any mama with an infant, ask any mama with any children, ask any teacher, ask any doctor, ask any missionary, ask anyone in the corporate world, ask any person living on the street, seriously ask ANYONE!  Our lives will continue, from now until we leave this earth, to be a mix of different, a mix of emotion, a mix of issues, a mix of people, places and things, and a mix of highs and lows.  And yes sometimes it stinks because our flesh craves the predictable, and the steady and situations that it can control and fix without anything else or anyone else.  But our flesh is our biggest enemy.  Our flesh wants to never ever have to lean on the Spirit for anything, which is why we have to live out the highs and lows.  Why we have to not walk in our flesh, but walk with the Spirit instead.  If we settle for steady we block out the only thing that saves us, the only thing that gives us life.  

God created us in His image, He sacrificed His Son so that we could commune with Him and He gave us His Spirit to guide us through the life we have been given.  So (totally talking to myself here) stop striving for steady and that elusive goal of normalcy, and strive to see all the peaks and all the valleys as nothing but amazing blessings of being alive, of being a child of God, and a disciple of Christ.  It will be hard because when sin entered our world, life became hard. Therefore, do not, I repeat do not, try to surf through those things on your own, but cling to the one who created you and created them, and holds fast to you throughout it all.  Because even if you don't understand it completely yet, you would much rather live a see saw life with Christ, than a steady life alone. 

bye bye toothie

Before

After

Micah lost his first tooth today. After his follow up appointment to check out his lip the pediatrician notices a gum infection and told us to see a dentist as soon as we could. A 5 minute trip to the dentist yesterday included 1 xray and the news that the bone structure around his tooth had been pushed up when he fell and the blood vessel to the tooth had been broken. Basically the tooth was getting no oxygen and no support and it was going to die. I did not take the news well. Stitches that heal back to normal was fine but changing my sweet boys smile before normal had me teary eyed.

We went at 8 this morning to have it pulled. I couldn't stay in the room because nitrous oxide (laughing gas) is dangerous for expectant mothers. That left Zach, HATER of all things dentist and teeth, on his own. 20 minutes later they had both survived and the tooth was out. We took Micah to Target to let him pick out a prize. He wanted to put his tooth under his pillow as soon as we got home but we informed that the tooth fairy only comes at night so he's trying to be patient. His reaction has been great so far. Apparently the ability to put your tongue into a hole in your teeth is well worth the drama!

I'll be back

I've been feeling kind of odd the past week. A lot of those busy full but at the end you're not quite sure if you really did accomplished anything days lately. A lot of thoughts that are still up in the air but since they haven't come down they don't really count yet things too. A lot of time on my hands but in odd parts of the days and in small stretches so I'm not sure what to do with it. A lot of learning/studying but not quite got it yet so my brain is still constantly sorting through times as well.

For a girl who likes normalcy. security. consistency. This is all kind of annoying. Hoping I'll be back to normal. Or at least be ok with this new normal soon!

renewing our vows

Just to give you a warning, this is going to be a LONG post.  In the next few, many, paragraphs I am going to attempt to do justice the amazingness that was last Saturday, May 31, 2014.  I already know that my words will not be enough.  If I was a better writer maybe I could come close, but there will be no way I have the vocabulary or ability to explain what my heart felt when I crested a hill and saw a dream come to life.

It's been a difficult and full last 9 months and if you add to that the time and events that happened before September of 2013 it adds up to a long road past.  I shared, at the beginning of the year about saying goodbye to the old year and looking forward to the one ahead.  I shared yesterday a brief thought about marriage and some of the lessons I have learned thus far in these ten years together.  All of these things are part of my story and as much as I don't understand sometimes a favorite songwriter once said God is the author of my story and he knows who I will be at the end of it.  Therefore he will take me through trials and joys needed to mold me into the person I need to be when my story is done.  Such a beautiful thought when you think of the big picture.

Because of these things and because Zach wants and knows how to love me better than anyone walking this Earth, he planned the most beautiful surprise and loving gift I have ever and probably will ever receive.  At the end of that day he said his one goal was for me to know how much I am loved mainly because he knows this is one of my greatest struggles.  There's a good chance I will struggle with it again, the knowing that I am truly loved, because let's face it Satan has a good idea of where to get us.  However, for now and forever I will have this day to look back on to see that I am loved by Zach, my family, my amazing friends and church community but most of all, holy and dearly loved by the One who gave all these things to me.  

The "big" day

Saturday started normally, or at least what I thought of as normal but it was all part of a master well thought out plan.  My parents were in town to stay with us for a couple days before they drove to Virginia for their hiking vacation.  I was woken up way too early, made breakfast for the boys, and watched our normal morning shows of MLB Whip Around and Curious George.  School had just ended for us all and Rebekah, a friend who moved away last fall, was in town for the weekend so a group of girls were getting together for lunch and a nails date.  Rebekah came to get me under the ruse of wanting to spend some extra time together in the car before we met up with everyone.  Obviously that was a big fat lie but hopefully there was truth in there as well ;)

Lunch was great.  We went to a new smoothie and sandwich place and just chatted about whatever girls chat about when they finally get a chance to hang out.  We headed over to get our nails done and had an awesome time laughing and talking across the room as the six of us sat there with our feet in bubbly water.  There's a good chance we annoyed everyone else there but sometimes that just needs to happen.  Zach had told me a couple days before that he was taking me on a surprise trip for a couple days for our anniversary so I was telling them about that as well.  Looking back it's amazing how skillful these ladies are at giving up no information.

On the way to take me home Rebekah said she forgot her wallet at Grace's the day before when she cut her hair so we were going to stop by "real quick" so she could pick it up.  So after hugging everyone goodbye and hearing many "have a great trip" we headed out to go "pick up a wallet."  I was standing in the living room waiting for Grace to finish giving her a tour of whatever when Morgan comes walking in the kitchen followed by Leslie and then Lisa.  Grace and Rebekah came back in the living room and I was just staring at them trying to figure out why the heck they came back too.

SURPRISE!

I'm pretty sure the first words after we have a surprise for you was Lisa saying oh my gosh I'm so glad this is finally here it was killing me.

I was informed that I needed to not worry, the boys were fine and I was to relax because this was the kick off to our anniversary trip.  I needed to spend the afternoon with the girls, get ready and then later Zach was going to come pick me up for dinner and a 10th anniversary sunset photoshoot.

For the next threeish hours they showed me three different dresses that Zach, with their help, had picked out and had fun bossing me around while I tried on different dress, shoe and jewelry combinations.  Bless my husband's heart he had thought of pretty much everything including my entire jewelry drawer that he just took out of my dresser and put in the car.  I ended up choosing this awesome white eyelet dress from Anthropologie because it fit the best and let's face it, it was from Anthropologie and I wasn't sure if I'd ever have another opportunity to get a dress from there.  They are not cheap!

After the dress was picked, Grace did my hair and make up and she's seriously just amazingly skilled.  I loved it all.  In between the getting ready and waiting there was more fun talk, a little drinking and some crossfit games watching.  Don't all girls do that together?

I was pretty excited and nervous the entire afternoon.  Suspense pretty much is the worst thing for me so the waiting for Zach had me in a very first date butterfly mode and I had a feeling there was still something I was not being told.   Shortly before Zach got there it started thundering and pouring and I asked Leslie if she thought Zach was freaking out over the rain.  The looks that passed between them all were not ones of confidence.

Zach showed up around 5:30 and I just sat on the couch as our five chaperones demanded that he come to the door to get me.  We took a couple of cute pictures and they loaded all the stuff in that Zach had lugged over earlier back into his car.  I hugged everyone good bye...again.   and headed out with my hubs who was looking all handsome in some khakis and a white shirt while I was dressed in a white dress.  I'm pretty sure that I commented on the fact that we matched and looked a little ridiculous but that since he looked hot it was ok.

We went to dinner at Las Flores and in the midst of him being a little anxious and checking his phone literally every five seconds to look at the weather, had a fun time.  We got their super yummy house margaritas, chips and dip and split a quesadilla and talked.  I have NO CLUE what we talked about.  Like seriously I remember none of it.  My stomach was in knots trying to figure out if there was anything else going on and he just alternated in between looking at my phone and telling me I was gorgeous.  Shortly before we left an older lady came up to our table to tell my my ring was beautiful and congratulations.  HA!  We did totally look like we had just gotten married in our all white and me done up like it was prom.  We just told her thank you :)

He said he had found a cool place in Covington to take pictures and had rented a nice lens for Reilly who was going to do the photoshoot.  She is a wonderful and talented young lady who goes to church with us and helped us with our family photoshoot last fall.  She also happens to be an amazing babysitter.  We passed a car dealership and then all of a sudden he off roads it up this hill on the way to a field and I saw Reilly standing at the top.  I couldn't believe he had made a 15 year old wait in a field in the rain by herself just so we could get pictures taken.

When we got out of the car he looked at me and said that there was a little more to the surprise then I thought.  That's when I saw a person crawling behind a hay bale and I got really confused.  I wish I could remember his exact words, but they were along the line of He knows we had talked about a vow renewal at some point but didn't want to stress me out with details, so he just planned one himself.  Then we walked a few more feet up the hill and all of a sudden I saw a white arbor in the middle of a beautiful field and rows upon rows of people.  Leslie later said that I squealed which doesn't surprise me. I just started crying and walking and looking.  I kept spotting more friends who had come from in town and out of town, both of our families who had driven from Alabama, south and north Georgia, and South Carolina, and our sweet boys all dressed up in their khakis and white shirts.

The closer I got the more people I could see and randomly started waving and crying some more.  Then I heard the music that was playing and saw Mike and Lindsay, our previous worship leader and dear friends, singing one of his songs that we absolutely love called I love you still.  As I walked down the aisle with Zach and the boys I was stopped by Rebekah, Morgan, Leslie, Lisa, my mom and Zach's mom in turn to hand me daisies that became a bouquet.  At one point someone handed me a tissue which was sorely needed.

We made our way to the front and Dave began our ceremony.   It was beautifully specific to
us.  Seven of our couple friends did readings of some of our favorite verses.  Those truths have been such an integral part of my last year.

Colossians 3:12-14 (Zach & Lisa)

12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other;as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 

Colossians 3:15-17(Matt & Dara Lynn)

15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus,giving thanks to God the Father through him.

John 15:4-5, 9 (Ryan & Morgan)

4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

9 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.

1 John 4:7-9, 16-19 (Donovon & Grace)

7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. 

1 John 4:16-19(Jeff & Rebekah)

16 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 17 By this, is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is, so also are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. 19 We love because he first loved us.

Psalm 139:1-2, 13-14, 23-24 (Brit & Lisa)

1 O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

   you discern my thoughts from afar.

13 For you formed my inward parts;

   you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart!

   Try me and know my thoughts!

24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,

   and lead me in the way everlasting!

Revelation 21:2-5  (Matt & Leslie)

2 And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

5 And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.”

After Katie and Jered sang Abide with me, one of my absolute favorite hymns, Dave gave his message which I am planning on writing up and posting separately at some point because it was encouraging and dripping with Truths that we all need to hear.  Then Zach shared with me his renewed vows...

Sarah, 10 years ago we made vows to God, and promises to each other. And time and time again, I failed those promises. And then I got lost. I lost sight of your love, and the love of God. But after all that, you love me still. You were the constant one, never wavering, never giving up. You have exemplified the love of Christ more than anyone, and for that I am eternally thankful. And now, He is making all things new in us. God brought us together, and he’s not done with us yet.

So in humble reliance on God’s grace, I promise to seek the Lord first in my life. Not you. Not anything else. I promise to build you up with compassionate acts, produced by an inner disposition that only comes from God. I will cherish you and pursue you, encourage you, and assume the best in you. I will honor you and respect your thoughts, and try to never use my elder voice. I will always be exhilarated with your love, your beauty, and your gracious heart. I will serve you humbly, fold clothes with you, and will always sweep the floors. I will desire you and none other. I promise to be committed to you, stay alongside you, and walk with you for the rest of our lives. I give you all of me, a broken man, trusting that the Lord is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

His words and humility melted my heart and I just stared with my tearful smile so thankful.  Next in the ceremony Zach gave me a new band to go with my rings.  It's gorgeous and glittery and makes the female inside me smile.  It's a beautiful white gold band with ten diamonds inlaid in it to represent our ten years together.  One of my favorite parts came next.  Since I obviously didn't know about the renewal I couldn't write any vows, but over the sound system they played the vows I said on our original wedding day.  It was such a sweet moment listening to the voice of my pastor growing up and the voice of a little 22 year old girl I barely recognized.  

We prayed together while Lindsay sang my hands down favorite song of Mike's.  Psalm 27  

The Lord is my light and my salvation;

Whom shall I fear, whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life; 

Of whom shall I be afraid?

When evil men advance against my life,

When my enemies and foes attack my soul,

Though an army raise against me,

Though a war rage within me,

Even then will I be confident in Him.

One thing I ask of the Lord,

This is what I seek, This is what I need;

That I may dwell in the house of the Lord,

All of the days of my life.

To gaze upon the beauty of the Lord,

And to see him in the place his glory dwells;

For in the day of trouble, I am safe in his dwelling;

He will hide me in the shelter of his arms.

To end, Zach and I went to the middle of the aisle while everyone surrounded us and prayed.  My dad, Zach's dad, Ames, Matt Rieger, Matt Cardoza and Dave all prayed aloud for us.  Then standing in a field surrounded by people we love, we shared our first renewed kiss. 

Dave ended with the benediction that Zach's dad always uses.

Jude 1:24-25 Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God our Savior through Jesus Christ our Lord be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever.  Amen.

I thought that was the end but as soon as I asked if I got to talk to everyone now they told me that there was a party at the Rieger's house that we all got to go to.  Of course I couldn't wait to give out hugs and talk so we did a little of that before we finally got around to that sunset anniversary photoshoot.  

The rest of the evening is somewhat of a blur.  Dara Lynn, Kayla and their husbands did an amazing job decorating her house.  There were flowers, tiki torches, white lights and delicious desserts.  There were laughs and smiles, sharing of secret plans, more hugs, pictures and just an overwhelming sense of joy and peace.  

I will never remember all the details of this day, but I will never forget the feeling it brought.  There was nothing I would have changed about the day from the location to the people to the music to the decorations.  It was literally a dream come true and there are not enough thanks in the world for not only the people who worked to make it happen but also the ones who just came to be a part of it all.  

To Zach, Dave, Leslie (and Matt), Lisa, Grace, Morgan (and Ryan), Rebekah(and Jeff), Kayla, Dara, Matt, Alex, Ames, Donovon, Brit and Lisa, Mike, Lindsay, Adam (the manager of the field), Mary, Magda, Gina and Bailey (for the yummy desserts), Reilly (photographer) and Eric, my parents (for helping with the boys), Jered (video) and Katie, and our family and friends for knowing and not giving up the secret.  I hope that I can one day do something just brings you just a little bit of the joy that you all brought me!

presenting...

Connor Thomas May

8 lbs 12 oz
21 1/2 inches long

Our precious 2nd born came into the world last Friday, May 8th at 7:02 p.m. We apparently have very prompt children since he came on his due date and Micah came the day after his (though I began labor on his due date). Overall everything progressed pretty well. We had a bit of a scare during the process. Connor's heart rate dropped every time there was a contraction. They assumed it was due to an umbilical cord issue and they were right. He had gotten tangled up in it at some point, but praise God it was taken care of without problem. I was very nervous listening to the heart monitor, but our fabulous nurse kept reassuring me and I knew Zach was praying the whole time so I concentrated on that.

When we saw Connor for the first time we couldn't believe how much he looks like Micah! It's kind of crazy actually!! He and Micah were the same length and he was only an ounce heavier. He is a lot louder though ;)

It's been quite a whirlwind the last few days getting home from the hospital and adjusting to a family of four. Micah loves looking, touching, 'holding' Connor but he has still not been his normal self the past two days. He is a little crankier/whinier than normal but we are hoping it is a VERY short term thing.

Unfortunately I have had way too many reminders through the experiences of two friends about how fragile life can be. I am so blessed, immeasurably blessed, to have this healthy baby boy added to our family. All babies are precious little miracles and I am beyond thankful for my new one!

hand full

We have gotten Micah back to his normal blue bear'ness' meaning he sleeps with him and occasionally will carry him around the house. However, he now has his hands full of other things...random things.

Every morning he picks a few objects and carries them everywhere. If for some reason he needs a hand to do something he puts those objects in his other hand to free him up. As of right now, ALL IN ONE HAND MIND YOU, he is carrying a piece of sidewalk chalk, a miniature boat oar, half of a medicine syringe, and a plate stand. For all I know he is a budding MacGyver ready to disarm a bomb with all of his "tools".


For this particular pictures apparently we were fascinated with the screwdriver and hand broom!

never thought i'd say that!

I am not going to do this story justice right now because I am slightly preoccupied with the Auburn/TN game but it popped into my head to do so if I don't do it RIGHT NOW it won't get done and then I might forget this hilarious yet slightly gross story about my handsome yet mischievous little boy.

Last week the kids were slightly crazy. Micah has started to have this goofy aura about him all the time which is sometimes funny, sometimes not. Connor is rolling over to his tummy every time I put him down and then crying because he doesn't want to be there. William wasn't feel well so he cried a lot more than normal. And Bella was a 3 year old girl :) None of them were 'bad' per say, they just kept me on my toes. Especially Friday!!

Friday was already going to be a crazy day. All four kids were at the house since there is no preschool on Friday. I was leaving for a preview sale at 2:00 so I was having to get certain things accomplished so that Zach could watch the kids with no problems. Zach was leaving after I got back from the sale for the weekend so I needed to finish laundry for him. Connor decided to nap for a whole 30 minutes that morning so I was carting him around while fixing lunch in the kitchen and getting Williams milk warmed up when I heard Micah and Bella laughing like loons. My naive mind thought how nice it was that they were playing well together so I went to take a peek at what they were doing. I walked into the guest bathroom to find them shoving their ENTIRE HEADS in the toilet and by entire I mean faces and all. They were both soaking wet from the neck down and had little swirly peaks of hair sticking like alfalfa from little rascals. I, in a calm manner I'm sure, said WE DO NOT STICK OUR HEADS IN THE TOILET! and then preceded to strip them both down and put them in a VERY soapy bath and scrub any trace of toilet germs off their little bodies.

After they were all squeaky clean and redressed, in clean clothes of course, I tried to get some kind of explanation out of them. The best I could get from a 2 year old and 3 year old was "We wanted to get our hair wet." OH. Well of course you did.

squeaky clean and banished to the chair until lunch was ready :)

Catching up

We are getting our house ready to put back on the market.  We are also considering renting it if we can find someone we know and trust.  Micah starts kindergarten next year and the decisions involved in that have definitely encouraged us to start the process and start it fast.  

That said my house has been in complete turmoil (organizational wise) and blogging hasn't been on the top of the list.  I can say that I have been quite calm staring at the disaster which has definitely impressed my husband!

If you have missed us, things that have been going on with the Mays this week are painting the laundry room, laying new floors in the bathroom, going on a double date with the Cardozas, battling pollen, keeping Micah dosed up with Benadryl due to the bad pollen (he's had it rough this week!),  buying a quarter of a naturally fed antibiotic and hormone free cow that is now taking up lots of space in my freezer (call the man!), along with the normal stuff of day to day living.

If you haven't missed us then check back in this weekend and I'll have caught up (hopefully) with more craziness and cuteness from the boys!

nighty night all :)

forever will be

This morning at church was our annual Thanksgiving Day service.  Every year on the Sunday before Thanksgiving instead of having our traditional service we set up tables, sit with our church family, sing and share whatever is on your heart that you are thankful remembering that biblical thanksgiving is not based on our circumstances, the material possessions in our lives, or even the people as wonderful as they may be.  Thanksgiving is being grateful for the work of Christ in your life giving glory to God for what He has done, what He is doing and what He will do in our lives and through our lives.

Because the last few years God has redirected my life in many ways, I always want to share something.  Not because I am overflowing with huge amazing things happening, but because I am overflowing with grace upon grace in the midst of my sinful heart that is being renewed day by day.  To my own eyes, the most noticeable difference in me is the desire to share, to not keep anything inside, to be transparent whether with the good or the bad to hopefully encourage another and to maybe set an example, even if that example is what NOT to do!  I am learning (most times happily) to be the guinea pig of new situations so that others might can step forward without as much fear to the newness of change.  If you know anything about me you know that is proof of divine intervention and the sanctification process.  New and Change are not words usually associated with Sarah May!

As I attempted to share what I wanted to share I realized another reason, possibly the main reason, I love to write.  When writing (or typing in this case) crying does not mess up your train of thought or your voice or the color of your face.  No matter how hard I concentrate, use breathing tactics or prepare to speak in front of people about anything involving any kind of emotion, tears inevitably follow.  It is so insanely frustrating.  My pastor tends to love it because it conveys real feeling and emotion, but I on the other hand would love to convey a feeling, opinion, or experience without having to stop, shake, and cut myself short for fear that none of my words will be heard because everyone is just staring at the hot mess unfolding.  Sigh.  

So for my own heart, and hopefully at least encouragement for one, I am going to share (tear free!!) what God placed on my heart for this morning.  The words definitely did not come out this smoothly or entirely phrased this way.  Maybe in a perfect world but our world is far from perfect as am I.   Why it was this story over any other I don't know except to say that most times God speaks to your heart when you're being brat, not when you're being the best.

A few weeks ago I had a mini break down.  Nothing huge and important, just one of those normal I'm a girl and sometimes the only thing you can do is cry because its the most helpful tool at your disposal.  Sorry for any females that this offends, if you do not have those girlish moments I am most jealous of your ability to hold yourself together.  I was not given that skill and have given my children the same non ability!  I don't remember what exactly triggered the reaction.  My list of pressure points is long these days though compared to a year ago it's impressively short.  

I was sitting in my car in the driveway on the phone with Zach not ugly crying per say but with definite tears streaming.  Its in these moments that it is most helpful, when you are talking to someone who you trust and who loves you, to blurt out that one thing that you don't want to say out loud.  The thing I most wanted to say,  that I was most angry and frustrated about, was that literally NOTHING has been consistent in my life the last six years except for God, not my home, my family, my marriage, my children, my church, NOTHING!  Surely there are people in the world who have something else that is just there for them to lean on!?  

The worst part was that I wasn't content with just God.  I had blurted out the basic principal of the Gospel, the amazing grace given by an all knowing, all presence, all powerful Creator and Father who never leaves, is always there and fulfills every promise.  It wasn't enough for me that day.  That day I wanted tangible, I wanted something I could go to that was right in front of me, I wanted something that I should only be going to God for anyway.  

Praise Him that I only acted like a brat for a short period.  It didn't take much repeating of that phrase to myself, confessing to my Friday morning girls, and reminders of divine provision from Zach, for me to instead be saying nothing in life will ever be consistent except for God and the gift of His Son and Spirit.  Nothing will ever live up to who He is and what He does.  Nothing can fulfill for me the promises given.  Thank you that I don't have to count on another sinful being to be consistency for me.  Instead we can be inconsistent together while clinging to Hope together.  

We have lost a lot in the last few years but we have gained even more.  And while they can't and shouldn't have to carry the weight and perform the tasks of my Heavenly Father, I have had many beautifully, "inconsistent" people walking alongside me of which I am most undeserving.

So the next time you have the desire just to cry, let the tears fall, and the next time you don't want to say that terrible sentence that is at the tip of your tongue, say it out loud, then listen to the words and let them turn your heart towards God reminding you of who He is and what you are because you're His.  It's all Him.  Praise God.

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

4 years

Yesterday Zach and I celebrated our 4 year anniversary. I know everyone says it goes by fast, but seriously IT GOES BY FAST! Zach loves surprising me with where he is going to take me and I love being surprised (especially if I know I'm going to be surprised but don't know what it will be!) I figured before telling you where we went last night I'd give you an update on how we have spent our first few anniversaries.

1st Year 'the big one'- April of 2005 we went to Paris, yes PARIS for our anniversary. I know April is not technically our anniversary yet, but my partly French husband said all the tourists go in June so we have to go early. I could spend the rest of this post telling you all how amazing that trip was but won't.

2nd Year- For our 2nd anniversary Zach took me to Helen, GA for the weekend. He had fond memories of trips there when he was younger and I had never been. Little did we know it was biker week! OH well. We still had fun looking in all the touristy shops. We also went hiking to some falls and on part of the Appalachian trail and drove on a scenic highway which is one of Zach's favorite things to do. **Did I mention the heart shaped jacuzzi tub in the corner of our room? Classic!3rd year- Our 3rd anniversary was more of a celebration of being able to get out of the house considering that Micah was a mere 3 1/2 months old. We went to a nice dinner and then to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End. You can't be romantic every time!

This year- Last night we went to an amazing Italian restaurant in Buckhead called La Grotta. Delicious! and very swanky! We sat in a side by side booth and actually got to talk. WOW! We spent the whole time talking (and eating of course) and not once (well maybe once) did we talk about Micah. It was so very relaxing and special. Of course there were some humorous things about the evening too.
1) The host who sat us had an Italian accent when we got to the restaurant, but by the time we left he had lost it and was talking like a normal 20 something guy who just wanted to go to a bar after work. haha!
2) Robert DeNiro (think Meet the Parents) was our waiter. Carbon Copy I swear!
3) Same waiter asked Zach if he was old enough to drink and was then shocked to hear it was our 4th anniversary. I'm not sure if we should have been flattered or offended.
4) At the table directly in front of us sat two very wealthy women, one of which had been there frequently and wanted to make sure we all knew that. The owner of the restaurant visited their table every 10 minutes or so and the only things they talked about were his house in Fort Myers Beach and golf.
5) The water refiller was obsessed with his job! Our glasses never reached an inch past the rim. I had to get up to use the restroom 3 times which wasn't easy since you had to move the table out of the way to get up!

After our long, leisurely dinner, dessert, and (free)champagne we drove around Buckhead and then Downtown Atlanta and looked at big houses and tall buildings. It was just plain fun.

I love you baby!! Thanks for a great evening out!

'nap' time

When Micah and Connor started school I went through the normal mix of emotions but underlying it was this excitement of having a real nap time again.  I could just envision all the things I would get accomplished in that two hour period of Logan's naptime.  Oh the cleaning and crafting and baking that was coming my way.  Awww....so nice.

It took Logan a day to shoot that dream to...well you know where.  Somehow my sweet boy who napped almost exactly two hours every afternoon decided to quit pretty much cold turkey.  I mean there have been occasional days where a good nap occurs but they are sadly very very few and far between.  After weeks of battles with him about staying in his bed and staying in his room we have recently reached a good rhythm of him playing quietly in his bed with his action figures and books and then if he falls asleep great but if he doesn't as long as he's been quiet he can get out of bed for the last little bit to play in the rest of his room.

Today he woke up at 5:20 am and then played all morning with friends during my new Thursday morning bible study so I was just POSITIVE that today was going to be a good nap day.  

You know what they say about assuming things right!?

While I was busy sweeping, mopping and other such things I kept hearing the Logi Bear in his room.  

When I finally heard enough that I needed to go check this is what I found.

                                                 

He said he was exercising.  

Right.