may family christmas

All 27 members of Zach's family, the fun and crazy family I married into, converged upon our house New Year's weekend for our Christmas time together and to celebrate the coming of a new year.  Scrunched into every room in our house and the camper in the backyard, that friends so graciously loaned, we spent the drizzly weekend exchanging gifts, playing games, having a rainy spike ball tournament, catching up, chatting about everything and nothing, listening to kids play, listening to kids cry and scream (there are LOTS of young ones), watching all the kids put on A Christmas Carol directed by Nana, and ringing in a new year.  

'Twas a lovely, loud, fun and exhausting weekend full of memory makers.

sunday song: happy new year

Happiest of New Years to each and every one of you!

For one who desires to be ahead of the game, I always found myself feeling behind as soon as January 1st rolled around.  It felt as if everyone already had Christmas packed up and put away with a house simplified and cleaned out and resolutions written, posted, and beginning to be checked off.  The rushed feeling within was quite unwelcomed after a season of nothing but.  

A couple years ago I made a conscience decision to slow down.  To take each step not quite as quickly as I would have before and give myself, and my mind, time to be quiet, to listen before I began to plan, to speak, to act.  What resulted was the ability to have an unhurried Spirit even if life around continued to bustle at it's usual pace and there is no time that it is more appreciated than this day, the beginning of a new year.

Here I sit, still reflecting, smiling over and enjoying the memories of a December spent with family and friends celebrating the birth of our Savior, not feeling as if that is a time done and gone but one to relish and let settle before moving on.

Yes, sometime in the next few days there will be cleaning and organizing, planning and budgeting, and pondering of goals and desires for the year to come but for now there is quiet and thanksgiving that an old year has passed and a new one has come and spanning them both is my God guiding my vision for both.

Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;

naught be all else to me, save that thou art -

thou my best thought, by day or by night;

waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.

Be thou my wisdom, and thou my true word;

I ever with thee and thou with me, Lord.

Thou my great Father; thine own may I be,

thou in me dwelling and I one with thee.

Riches I heed not, nor vain, empty praise;

thou mine inheritance, now and always;

thou and thou only first in my heart,

high King of heaven, my treasure thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won,

may I reach heaven’s joys, O bright heaven’s sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

word for 2016

I'm easing into my new year goals, plans and resolutions this year which for me is a considerable task and an intentional change of pace.  I'm a big fan of following along different blogs and instagram feeds for both entertainment and inspiration and it never fails that on January 1st almost all of the writers, decorators and what not are full force into the next thing.  Lists are being shared, houses are already being decluttered, diets have begun, redecorating and undecorating, and planning overwhelm all my feeds.  Looking back to past years I am learning that as much as I love seeing the different things these inspire-rs are cooking up, literally and figuratively, part of me always begins to feel a little defeated because I have not yet begun such in my life and then I either stress to catch up to the rest or I quit before I've even begun.

For the past several years I have chosen a word to focus my goals and plans around.  A word that does not mark something I am good at but something God is most definitely asking me to improve on whether accomplishing takes the calendar year, a few years or the rest of my time on this earth (which I hope is considerable).  It was no surprise to me that the word He has guided me towards for 2016 is WAIT.  

 God is preparing big things, He always is of course, but we can feel the suspense of new paths coming soon and knowing my tendency to either try and do ALL the things or the ostrich impersonation I have been know to take on when ALL the things are in fact not doable, I am being asked to wait.  I am fully confident this is not an answer of 'not yet' but instead a command to trust Him as He is working knowing that the times when life look stagnant is when plans are being lived out until the day of fruition comes.  

However, wait does not have to mean sitting in my seat, thumbs twiddling, until my name is called.  Says Mr. Oswald Chambers, "To wait upon God IS NOT to wait with folded hands and do nothing, but to wait as men who wait for the harvest.  The farmer does not wait idly but with intense activity; he keeps industriously "at it" until the harvest.  To wait upon God is the perfection of activity.  We are told to 'rest in the Lord,' not to rust."    

One of my favorite verses is 1 Peter 1:13 which says, "Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ."  My mind is being prepared, so that my actions will follow and in the end my Hope, no matter what does or does not take place, is revealed in Christ.

To help with this process I have searched for different ways I can wait.  To wait means to be patient, to focus, to prepare, to slow down, to enjoy; making the most of life as it is right now, to think through and not be rash.  For me this means not diligently posting my resolutions on January 1st because that is the thing to do.  It means walking downstairs to grab the vacuum instead of rushing to get the task checked off.  It means listening to my son's last few sentences without cutting him off no matter how much I want the nightly bedtime routine to be finished.  It means pondering before responding, saying let me think before saying yes I will, and listening fully to my sweet boys' requests instead of just saying no.  It means slowly and intentionally going through verses calling us to wait and seeing what God does in that time.

 So I wait and prepare with these words fueling my goals, my plans, my resolutions, my thoughts, and my actions.  Waiting, with purpose.

new news

This week I officially claimed myself as a writer in training. I have no idea where this will take me if anywhere and I'm totally okay with that. But for the time being I feel like I'm listening to and obeying  a call and that act of saying yes is really the only thing that matters.

If you would like to know more about this journey or even follow along check out this link for the whole story.

And onward we went

It's impossible to celebrate the end of the year without thinking about all the year has held.  While at a friend's house for dinner I was glancing through their end of year picture book and could not believe some of the events that had taken place in this calendar year.  Besides the fact that this time last year I was scarcely even on the official friend list with this sweet woman, we had made it into their family memory book because of the friendship that has bloomed between our boys and now our families in such a short time.  Close behind that sentimental thought was the shocking question of "Was Connor really in Kindergarten just a few short months ago?" after seeing a picture of the two boys at their 'graduation' program.  Oh time and it's ever present annoying tendency to creep and fly simultaneously.

  When I chose the word "onward" as my focus for 2015 I had no clue how far God would take it.  I knew that "Onward doesn't mean quickly.  It doesn't mean crossing the finish line first or even finding the finish line anytime soon.  It means not quitting and not giving up, whether sprinting or struggling for every step, there is no halt there is only moving forward" and it didn't cease to be true throughout the year.  However, like all things, nothing ever happens how you expect or plan and at the time I didn't expect to have as many things end as I did begin.  In hindsight it makes perfect sense, more often than not you have to give up one thing for another, say goodbye before you can say hello, close a door before opening a window.   

This year we found a new home we love in a neighborhood we love, built many new friendships, and strengthened many old ones.  A new occupational journey was placed in my heart as well as the desire to begin the process to adopt from the Foster care system, which I will be sharing about soon.  We went to Romania for the second time and were even able to share that experience with my younger brother.  We grew, each of us, in ways I still don't notice and have focused as a family to be more kind, helpful and thankful in all aspects of our lives.

 There were just as many downs as ups, our current church situation being the hardest of all, but I continue to see God's hand in absolutely everything and that alone is pretty awesome.  On top of that I realized/was devinely reminded that the balance scale of life at this moment is heavily tipped towards  the peaceful, smooth and exciting instead of the hard, emotional and unsure like it was just a couple short years ago.  Almost all of which can be contributed to the outlook that comes from a more trusting heart grown through experience and wisdom therefore definitely worth mentioning and giving glory to God about.

Moving onward was equal parts healing and rejuvenating and a to-do that I am surprisingly not sad about never being able to permanently check off my list.

moving onward into goals

Of all the things that were on my goal list for 2014 there were many that didn't get completed or even started but of everything, the things I am most happy about are how much reading I was able to do (25 books in one year and I loved 90% of them) and how much my relationships changed and grew.  My relationship with the Lord, with my husband, my children and my friends (and some new friends) have grown tremendously and that far outweighs any and every unaccomplished goal.

As for this year, I pray to be honest with myself about what is unnecessary and build margin into my life.  Resting, waiting and being able to say no instead of always doing and saying yes out of guilt or expectation.  Pressing onward and making steps to our desired future and the future God has ready for us.

Spiritual

           *  continued daily prayer time and journaling.

                * Focus on stopping throughout the day to pray and praying with Zach at night.

            * devotion time with the boys

            *  make goals for Children’s Church and accomplish them

               *  at least one day of fasting

               *  set aside time for a spiritual retreat

               *  attend a women's conference of some kind

               *  1,000 gifts list

               *  continue with women’s group and sharing transparently

               *  invest in younger girls’ lives and find an older woman to invest in mine

Physical

            *  earlier bedtime

            *  eat healthier (more water, less Dr. P , sugar and carbs)

            *  Crossfit 3 days a week

               *  Try running 1 day a week

            *  be diligent with taking vitamins

           *  engage in more physical activity with the boys

               * 1 race/challenge or more

Financial

            *  reevaluate family budget and stick to it

            *  patient with spending $$ on wants

            *  pay off  student loans

            *  organize paper work with a filing system

               *  keep emergency cash in the house

               * set up allowance system for Micah and Connor

Professional/Home life

               * sell or continue renting little house

               * find a home to purchase and be patient in the remodeling/redecorating

            * reevaluate then keep up cleaning schedule and weekly goals list

               * work on scrapbooks

               * organize videos and pictures on computer

* begin making yearly photobooks

            * refurbish list

            *  try 3 new recipes per month

            *  read independently and discuss at least one book with Micah

            *  Reading and writing practice with Connor

               *  begin letters and numbers with Logan and start preschool

            *  limit time on facebook and other social media a.k.a PUT PHONE DOWN

         

Relational/Friends and Family

            *  one special date with Zach a month

               *  Sunday night at home dates

               *  one outing or date a month with M and C

               *  prayer about foster to adopt and go through training process

            *  at least monthly hangout with friends out or at home

            *  be in tune enough to reach out to the needs of others small or large

            *  being open in my requests for prayer and in my asking of friends and family for their prayer needs    

                   as well

           *   plan a fun weekend getaway with 1) a group of girl friends 2)mother and sisters on each side

word of the year

A new year always brings on new goals and new focuses.  I think this is my fifth year picking a specific word to let lead my focus in making those goals for all aspects of my life from my spiritual walk to how I decorate our house and all roles in between.  It's a great exercise for me and not just because I like thematic things all wrapped up in a package.  It's great because it requires thought and planning, quiet introspection, and something to build upon so that you aren't floundering in the midst of desires, needs and ideas with nothing to connect it all together.  

Zach and I were chatting in the car on the way back from my parents house when I shared with him my new word.  This year's word was easy to choose.  Almost as easy as last years which still remains my favorite that God has ever led me to!  I shared yesterday about my desire to take all the new wisdom and character that God guided, pushed and sometimes dragged me to throughout the year and have a do-over for 2014.  Do over the hard stuff with new thoughts and do over the great stuff with new appreciation and joy.  However at the end...

"A do-over is not possible, we don't get to go back and change what we screwed up and we only get to relive the past in our memories, but we can take all of the lessons, heartache and joys with us into the future which is where I'm taking mine and Lord willing there will be plenty more to add this time next year."

2014 was a rebuilding year of sorts.  A continuous path to get back to level ground and God was so faithful in that journey.  However in all aspects of my life I am ready to rise above that plane.  That is why my word this year is onward.  

on·ward

  adverb

1.                                                       in a continuing forward direction; ahead.

     
2.                    
3.                                                                          adjective

1. 
   
2.                                 going further rather than coming to an end or halt; moving forward.
3. 
   
4.    

I love the definition.  I love the thought of a continuous forward motion, of going further rather than coming to a halt.  So many word pictures immediately enter my mind from books, movies and personal experiences.  Onward doesn't mean quickly.  It doesn't mean crossing the finish line first or even finding the finish line anytime soon.  It means not quitting and not giving up, whether sprinting or struggling for every step, there is no halt there is only moving forward.

When making my goals for this year in the categories of spiritual, relational, professional, financial, and physical I am praying that God will open my eyes to ways my family needs to start striving toward in the future, not so much to get them completed this year but to start the process of onward focus in those areas to set up habits that will be a part of our lives and actions forever.  Things that will guide us in rising above our current level and stretching toward the life God continuously leads us to.

I'm very excited and somewhat nervous about what will come about, but I pray to continue to rest in that Hope of knowing that His promises are true, now and forever.  

Zach informed me not ten minutes ago that a very popular blogger chose a very similar word to mine for almost identical reasons.  Instead of feeling frustrated I am choosing to feel encouraged that so many people are needing and feeling the same thing.  But I promise these specific thoughts are all mine. 

farewell 2014

I spent the day yesterday starting the process of cleaning up Christmas.  I'm a little bit OCD and can not take any Christmassy things with me into the new year.  I can't mix my decor and holidays, so much so that I had to text a picture of a pillow to my crafty/decorating buddies to make sure the antler pillow I had on the chair wasn't too christmas to leave up for the winter!  I can't say goodbye and hello at the same time.  My brain would get even more pretzel like than it already is and who knows what the outcome would be. It might seem ridiculous and I realize a personal problem but will surprise almost no one who knows me.  This is one of those things I can blame on my mother.  It was hereditary.

There was just one problem, I wasn't ready.  As much as I usually love, and I mean LOVE, getting my house back in order after the bustle of the holiday seasons, this year I didn't want to let it go yet.  The season felt overly 'bustley' which caused a lack in those peace on earth restful moments which could have been the culprit.  There is also the fact that our three boys are at such fantastic ages right now at 7, 5 and 3 that I wanted to soak it in more.  I know it will only get better and more fun but I'll never get this one back and that one sentence spoken to me from a hundred different people over this past almost 8 years of mommying is screaming at me inside my head.  "It goes by fast"  Ugh it so does and at times it feels like sand slipping through my hands and I am struggling to hold on to it.

However after a bit of pondering and praying I think it's because I want a do over for 2014.  God has pushed me so far ahead emotionally, spiritually and relationally of where I was a year ago and, though the feelings of this time last year are still way more fresh in my mind and heart than I would prefer, I kind of want to relive this past year, not as it all actually happened, but all the experiences with the new found knowledge and feelings.

I want to go back and understand that one conversation a little bit better and a little faster.  I want to react differently to that when that one thing happened.  I want my friend to say that again so I can say this instead.  I don't want to miss that time that I chose that other thing instead.  I want to put that one thing back on the shelf because I really don't need it.

But then there are the things I would do over and over again.

I want to watch Connor in his first baseball game and see Micah hit his first inside the park home run.  I want to visit the zoo with Logan and watch him get excited over a rhinoceros.  I want to ponder life and talk about everything with Leslie over chips and salsa.  I want to Crossfit for the first time as I get to watch friends start their dream business.  I want to pray for Stephanie for over a year and stand in the kitchen on the phone when I finally hear she is pregnant with her first child.  I want to sit in Panera for hours and read one of the best marriage books I've ever read with some of the best friends I've ever had.  I want to vow my life to Zach over and over and get away with him on a romantic trip to Charleston.  I want to sit in a pool with Dara Lynn and talk and talk while kids squirt water guns around us and pretend kick boards are diving boards.  I want to lay on the couch and text Rebekah about the Duggars and know that having a couple states in between can actually grow a friendship instead of ruining it.  I want to meet those new people, I want to grow those new friendships and rekindle those others.  I want to be with my families and share things I've never been brave enough to say and grow in ways we never have.

  Apparently you're not supposed to "regret" things that happened.  I can't count the number of times I've heard someone say "I don't regret that because it made me who I am" and I don't necessarily disagree but then again I kind of do.  I think it's ok to regret as long as the synonym, repent, is used with it.  Hard stuff happens, stupid decisions are made and consequences come, opportunities are missed and sadness about those things occurs and yes it looks like regret but that regret can be turned straight into repentance and take us straight to the foot of the cross.  

A do-over is not possible, we don't get to go back and change what we screwed up and we only get to relive the past in our memories, but we can take all of the lessons, heartache and joys with us into the future which is where I'm taking mine and Lord willing there will be plenty more to add this time next year. 

view from the roof of my parents' house

God bless a new year!

Since I didn't make an itemized list for 2013 I can't share with you the specific things that I accomplished and the many that I didn't but for myself I wanted to list some good things that came from last year either places I went, things I learned, etc.  This is in no way an exhaustive list because my new/old I've had three babies brain just can't retain that much information.

In 2013...

*went on my first mission trip to Romania

*learned a little about what it meant to be a light in the darkness

*want to be better at living a life as a light of God

*met two new friends who I love hanging out with

*deepened relationships with some very special women who I love and appreciate more than ever

*learned what it meant to bear each other's burdens

*started to really enjoy working out and now have arm muscles 

*moved out of my little starter home 

*got cowboy boots :)

*saw Bebo in concert
*met Sara Groves

*had many moments of joy and needs of forgiveness as a Mama of my precious 3

*started singing (at home) with my husband in hopes that I'm one day confident enough to do it in public occasionally

*began truly seeing and defining my identity in Christ

*saw scripture come alive in my life in a way it never has.  Such a beautiful blessing!

*learned more so what it means to love unconditionally

Goals (for now) for 2014

Spiritual
               *  daily prayer time and journaling
                * devotion time with the boys/family
                *  read at least 6 spiritual growth books
               *   pray about and find a new ministry to work in with Zach
                *  make goals for Children’s Church and accomplish them

                *  at least one day of fasting

                *  set aside time for a spiritual retreat
                *  attend a women's conference of some kind
                *  1,000 gifts list
                *  start identity verses notebook
                *  focus on my word of the year "Abide"  and how that enables me to be a "Light"  in all darkness

Physical
                *  earlier bedtime
                *  eat healthier (more water, less Dr. P , sugar and carbs)
                *  continue boot camp and running
                *  be diligent with taking vitamins
               *  engage in physical activity/play with M, C and L outside

                * 1 race/challenge or more

Financial
                *  reevaluate family budget and stick to it
                *  patient with spending $$ on wants
                *  pay off  student loans
                *  organize paper work with a filing system
                *  

Professional/Home life
                * sell or continue renting little house
                * find a home to purchase
                * reevaluate then keep up cleaning schedule and weekly goals list
                * catch up scrapbooks
                * organize videos and pictures on computer
                * finish refurbishing the piano,  use spools to make a clock, table and ottoman
                *  try 3 new recipes per month
                *  read independently and discuss at least one book with Micah
                *  phonics and reading practice with Connor before K

                *  colors and shapes and begin letters with Logan
                *  limit time on facebook and other social media
                *  read at least 6 fun books

Relational/Friends and Family
                *  one special dates with Zach a month
                *  Sunday night at home dates

                *  alone time a month with M and C

                *  prayer about and research adoption options
                *  at least monthly hangout with friends out or at home
                *  be in tune enough to reach out to the needs of others small or large
                *  being open in my requests for prayer and in my asking of friends for their prayer needs as well
               *   plan a fun weekend getaway with 1) a group of girl friends 2)mother and sisters on each side

Some of these are from previous years that I'm either doing again or trying to finally get done

I obviously reserve the right to change this at any point

God will most definitely change this on His own without asking or informing me first

The New Year

by Eric Peters

This is the year that something changes but nothing ever does

This is the year that all my failures turn into a pile of dust

This is the year, with fallen faces, we learn we’re not enough

This is the year to hold each other up

Oh, oh, oh it’s a new year

Oh, oh, oh it’s a brand new light

Oh, oh, oh can you believe it?

It’s the skies that we dream of.

This is the year when laughter douses charred and burnt-out dreams

This is the year when wrens return to nest in storm-blown trees

Is this the year of relocation from boughs of old despair?

This is the year to perch on hope’s repair

Oh, oh, oh it’s a new year.

Oh, oh, oh it’s a brand new light.

Oh, oh, oh can you believe it?

It’s the skies that we dream of.

I was pale and weary sad, tired of ghost debates

A slave to voices old and vile, bitter bones in the grave

But this is the year, it’s the year that something changes

This is the year, the year that something changes

Oh, oh, oh it’s a new year.

Oh, oh, oh it’s a brand new light.

Oh, oh, oh can you believe it?

It’s the skies that we dream of.