farewell 2014

I spent the day yesterday starting the process of cleaning up Christmas.  I'm a little bit OCD and can not take any Christmassy things with me into the new year.  I can't mix my decor and holidays, so much so that I had to text a picture of a pillow to my crafty/decorating buddies to make sure the antler pillow I had on the chair wasn't too christmas to leave up for the winter!  I can't say goodbye and hello at the same time.  My brain would get even more pretzel like than it already is and who knows what the outcome would be. It might seem ridiculous and I realize a personal problem but will surprise almost no one who knows me.  This is one of those things I can blame on my mother.  It was hereditary.

There was just one problem, I wasn't ready.  As much as I usually love, and I mean LOVE, getting my house back in order after the bustle of the holiday seasons, this year I didn't want to let it go yet.  The season felt overly 'bustley' which caused a lack in those peace on earth restful moments which could have been the culprit.  There is also the fact that our three boys are at such fantastic ages right now at 7, 5 and 3 that I wanted to soak it in more.  I know it will only get better and more fun but I'll never get this one back and that one sentence spoken to me from a hundred different people over this past almost 8 years of mommying is screaming at me inside my head.  "It goes by fast"  Ugh it so does and at times it feels like sand slipping through my hands and I am struggling to hold on to it.

However after a bit of pondering and praying I think it's because I want a do over for 2014.  God has pushed me so far ahead emotionally, spiritually and relationally of where I was a year ago and, though the feelings of this time last year are still way more fresh in my mind and heart than I would prefer, I kind of want to relive this past year, not as it all actually happened, but all the experiences with the new found knowledge and feelings.

I want to go back and understand that one conversation a little bit better and a little faster.  I want to react differently to that when that one thing happened.  I want my friend to say that again so I can say this instead.  I don't want to miss that time that I chose that other thing instead.  I want to put that one thing back on the shelf because I really don't need it.

But then there are the things I would do over and over again.

I want to watch Connor in his first baseball game and see Micah hit his first inside the park home run.  I want to visit the zoo with Logan and watch him get excited over a rhinoceros.  I want to ponder life and talk about everything with Leslie over chips and salsa.  I want to Crossfit for the first time as I get to watch friends start their dream business.  I want to pray for Stephanie for over a year and stand in the kitchen on the phone when I finally hear she is pregnant with her first child.  I want to sit in Panera for hours and read one of the best marriage books I've ever read with some of the best friends I've ever had.  I want to vow my life to Zach over and over and get away with him on a romantic trip to Charleston.  I want to sit in a pool with Dara Lynn and talk and talk while kids squirt water guns around us and pretend kick boards are diving boards.  I want to lay on the couch and text Rebekah about the Duggars and know that having a couple states in between can actually grow a friendship instead of ruining it.  I want to meet those new people, I want to grow those new friendships and rekindle those others.  I want to be with my families and share things I've never been brave enough to say and grow in ways we never have.

  Apparently you're not supposed to "regret" things that happened.  I can't count the number of times I've heard someone say "I don't regret that because it made me who I am" and I don't necessarily disagree but then again I kind of do.  I think it's ok to regret as long as the synonym, repent, is used with it.  Hard stuff happens, stupid decisions are made and consequences come, opportunities are missed and sadness about those things occurs and yes it looks like regret but that regret can be turned straight into repentance and take us straight to the foot of the cross.  

A do-over is not possible, we don't get to go back and change what we screwed up and we only get to relive the past in our memories, but we can take all of the lessons, heartache and joys with us into the future which is where I'm taking mine and Lord willing there will be plenty more to add this time next year. 

view from the roof of my parents' house