forever will be

This morning at church was our annual Thanksgiving Day service.  Every year on the Sunday before Thanksgiving instead of having our traditional service we set up tables, sit with our church family, sing and share whatever is on your heart that you are thankful remembering that biblical thanksgiving is not based on our circumstances, the material possessions in our lives, or even the people as wonderful as they may be.  Thanksgiving is being grateful for the work of Christ in your life giving glory to God for what He has done, what He is doing and what He will do in our lives and through our lives.

Because the last few years God has redirected my life in many ways, I always want to share something.  Not because I am overflowing with huge amazing things happening, but because I am overflowing with grace upon grace in the midst of my sinful heart that is being renewed day by day.  To my own eyes, the most noticeable difference in me is the desire to share, to not keep anything inside, to be transparent whether with the good or the bad to hopefully encourage another and to maybe set an example, even if that example is what NOT to do!  I am learning (most times happily) to be the guinea pig of new situations so that others might can step forward without as much fear to the newness of change.  If you know anything about me you know that is proof of divine intervention and the sanctification process.  New and Change are not words usually associated with Sarah May!

As I attempted to share what I wanted to share I realized another reason, possibly the main reason, I love to write.  When writing (or typing in this case) crying does not mess up your train of thought or your voice or the color of your face.  No matter how hard I concentrate, use breathing tactics or prepare to speak in front of people about anything involving any kind of emotion, tears inevitably follow.  It is so insanely frustrating.  My pastor tends to love it because it conveys real feeling and emotion, but I on the other hand would love to convey a feeling, opinion, or experience without having to stop, shake, and cut myself short for fear that none of my words will be heard because everyone is just staring at the hot mess unfolding.  Sigh.  

So for my own heart, and hopefully at least encouragement for one, I am going to share (tear free!!) what God placed on my heart for this morning.  The words definitely did not come out this smoothly or entirely phrased this way.  Maybe in a perfect world but our world is far from perfect as am I.   Why it was this story over any other I don't know except to say that most times God speaks to your heart when you're being brat, not when you're being the best.

A few weeks ago I had a mini break down.  Nothing huge and important, just one of those normal I'm a girl and sometimes the only thing you can do is cry because its the most helpful tool at your disposal.  Sorry for any females that this offends, if you do not have those girlish moments I am most jealous of your ability to hold yourself together.  I was not given that skill and have given my children the same non ability!  I don't remember what exactly triggered the reaction.  My list of pressure points is long these days though compared to a year ago it's impressively short.  

I was sitting in my car in the driveway on the phone with Zach not ugly crying per say but with definite tears streaming.  Its in these moments that it is most helpful, when you are talking to someone who you trust and who loves you, to blurt out that one thing that you don't want to say out loud.  The thing I most wanted to say,  that I was most angry and frustrated about, was that literally NOTHING has been consistent in my life the last six years except for God, not my home, my family, my marriage, my children, my church, NOTHING!  Surely there are people in the world who have something else that is just there for them to lean on!?  

The worst part was that I wasn't content with just God.  I had blurted out the basic principal of the Gospel, the amazing grace given by an all knowing, all presence, all powerful Creator and Father who never leaves, is always there and fulfills every promise.  It wasn't enough for me that day.  That day I wanted tangible, I wanted something I could go to that was right in front of me, I wanted something that I should only be going to God for anyway.  

Praise Him that I only acted like a brat for a short period.  It didn't take much repeating of that phrase to myself, confessing to my Friday morning girls, and reminders of divine provision from Zach, for me to instead be saying nothing in life will ever be consistent except for God and the gift of His Son and Spirit.  Nothing will ever live up to who He is and what He does.  Nothing can fulfill for me the promises given.  Thank you that I don't have to count on another sinful being to be consistency for me.  Instead we can be inconsistent together while clinging to Hope together.  

We have lost a lot in the last few years but we have gained even more.  And while they can't and shouldn't have to carry the weight and perform the tasks of my Heavenly Father, I have had many beautifully, "inconsistent" people walking alongside me of which I am most undeserving.

So the next time you have the desire just to cry, let the tears fall, and the next time you don't want to say that terrible sentence that is at the tip of your tongue, say it out loud, then listen to the words and let them turn your heart towards God reminding you of who He is and what you are because you're His.  It's all Him.  Praise God.

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.